I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
