This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
