did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
