I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
