Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
