Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
