did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
