You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
