if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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