Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
