I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
