the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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