I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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