Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Randomize
