There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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