I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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