Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
