Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
