I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
