Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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