Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
he fucked my hip out of place.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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