he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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