Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
