I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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