dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
