I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
