On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
