fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
so let's talk penis.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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