I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
