Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
