I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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