Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
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