I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
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OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
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The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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