at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
