get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
