My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
