It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
