Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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