New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
