bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
