it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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