my phone needs a breathalizer
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
