im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
