Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I think I died a long time ago.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
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