I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Im part way to drunk.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
