HIV tests are more positive than that guy
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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