These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Semen is not good for contacts.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
