I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
