cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
