Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
