And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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