update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
