why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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