He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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