she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Randomize
