According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
